It Is All Around You

If you’ve ever experienced domestic, emotional, verbal or sexual abuse–you too, can get out, heal, and create a better life. I promise you. The soulmate God has for you is not a man that can’t stop hurting you. You will not have to beg or teach the man for you how to treat you.

If you’ve never experienced it but have friends/family in or out of it, this is for you, too. I’ve been in your shoes. I am in your shoes. It’s gut wrenching to watch someone you love go through that much hurt and pain. Domestic violence affects so many. Please know that staying quiet or turning a blind eye does nothing but protect abusers and outcast victims and survivors. If you are not a part of the solution, you become part of the problem. Be on the right side of history for this one.

I keep hearing similar things and I wanted to address them all in a single post. Usually Facebook hides my posts about abuse (I’m talking 5 views max out of 9,700 followers) so while I have y’all’s attention, I’m going to speak for and from me and my experience, as someone who was abused and as someone close to people in or out of abusive relationships.

• “I know him and I can’t see him that way.” Well, yeah. Duh. You’re his friend, brother, parent, grandparent, neighbor, employer, etc. Abusers don’t abuse everyone in their life, nobody would like them and they’d have a hard time convincing victims they’re a good person. There are women in front of you right now telling you he is abusive. Why don’t you believe them, but believe him? Would it be different if it was your daughter, sister, mother, grandmother? Women shouldn’t have to be related to you for their life and experience to matter. They matter.

• “Why didn’t she leave if it was so bad? Why did she go back?” Women stay for a lot of different reasons, I can only speak for myself - I loved him, wanted the relationship to work, I was scared, he kept my money from me, my animals, life, family & friends were threatened, I didn’t know how to get out, I could keep going but NONE of that matters. What matters is WHY your first question after hearing about a man abusing a woman is to flip it back around on her? Your first question should be “what kind of man abuses a woman and calls it love?” Or I question you, your morals, and what you do behind closed doors. Why are you blaming the victim again?

• “My experience isn’t as bad as yours or others because it was verbal and emotional, not physical.” I don’t remember what every cut, bruise or mark felt like. They’ve all healed, some scars never faded away. But I remember every single horrendous, hateful thing they said to me, controlled and/or manipulated me with. I still struggle with them sometimes. My brain tries to block them out and keep those times fuzzy, but they never fully go away, they’ll pop up randomly just to put a pit in my stomach. Abuse is abuse is abuse. Grown adults know right from wrong, what words hurt and what words are uplifting and mature. They know better, but they do not care to do better. If you’ve gone through this, please know that it isn’t okay and you can get out, heal, and find better.

• “How do I get out? When do I know enough is enough?” I can’t draw that line for you, and I can’t write the playbook. Every situation is so unique and complicated in its own way. But, I can tell you that one day you will find your last straw, your breaking point, and it will be easy for you to leave in that moment. It’ll feel like 1,000 pounds are lifted off your chest and you finally have hope for the future. And then it will suck. A lot. It’ll hurt, it’ll suck, it’ll be hard. But it. Will. Be. Worth. It. I promise you. Do not be scared of heartbreak, you can and will survive it. Don’t be scared of starting over. God brings beauty through the ashes, He will bless you ten fold when you step away from the man fighting demons, and into His arms.

• “What made him do that?” I could give you a list of reasons. It’s what he’s known since he was a kid. He’s fighting demons inside. He took steroids and was roid raging. He was an angry drunk. He knows he can get away with it. He’s not a good person. But he is a grown ass adult. 25 years old when I was 20. He knows right from wrong, and time and time again he chose and chooses to do wrong. He is calculated, he is cold, he is an extremely good at manipulation and has had a lot of practice at it. Disagreements, fights, arguments, whatever you wanna call it, are not an excuse to abuse someone. I’ve disagreed with a lot of people, been done wrong by a lot of people. I’ve never abused them. I’m an adult. I talk through situations and complications like an adult. It’s not that hard. Life happens to us all, it’s not an excuse to be a horrible person. To victims & abusers–just because you saw your mom & grandma go through it while your dad & grandpa inflicted it doesn’t mean you have to continue that cycle, or stay in it. Choose to be a better human and heal from your trauma. Therapy, medication, whatever helps you. Do. It.

• “She’s speaking out to ruin his life. She’s being dramatic. She’s making things up.” Most abusers walk around completely unaffected by who they’ve hurt and the consequences of their actions. She is not being dramatic, she’s telling the trauma she went through. Do you abuse women, is it not “that bad” to you? There is no big gain to speaking out. It’s frickin’ scary man. I’m scared every time I go to a cutting in Texas, I keep a knife in my pocket and a gun in my truck. But people need to know the truth about people and the awful, awful things they do. Why do you want a victim’s voice silenced? Are their victims in your closet?

• “Why didn’t she press charges?” There’s usually multiple reasons. For me, I was terrified. Terrified of what he’d do to me when they let him out. Terrified of the expensive lawyer his family would hire to rake me over the coals in court. I wanted to heal. I wanted to process what all happened, what my brain normalized that was actually complete abuse. I wanted to put it behind me and move on.

I know this was a lot to read, but I really hope y’all take the time to read and share this. It is so important. I pray you heal through even the things you don’t talk about, and I pray healing for anyone around you going through it. It can get better. Choose better.

This photo was taken when I was being actively abused, there are bruises on my legs and as soon as the other models left the ranch, they were on my wrists, too.

It. Is. All. Around. You.

Even if you didn’t see it the first time.